Since I last blogged. I have soo much running around in my head, that this post will probably just end up being a wild, pointless rambling session, kudos to you if you make it thru this post and I don't lose you in the first few lines ....
There are times I think about what I could blog about, but I just don't. I don't feel as if I have anything positive / helpful / creative to contribute to the blogging world. I read several blogs, that have purpose, creative, insightful, thought provoking words to share, I on the other hand... I'm just here. I feel as if, I've lost my way, just treading water.
Mid life crisis? Am I too old for that? Too young? What is it anyway? I've been going thru this "Blah phase" for a few years now. I think ever since I rid myself of a four ½ year problem. This problem made me look deep within 'self' and I saw a side of me I never knew was within me, at least not to that degree, at times I scared myself! But I won't go into the long sorted, unbelievable details of that ordeal, as it still affects my family and the way they view me and least of all me.
In the last few years, the things that brought me pleasure, made me happy, motivated me, just don't seem to have the same Umph they use to. Photography, Scrapbooking, Crafting, my Beliefs etc ...
There are times I think about what I could blog about, but I just don't. I don't feel as if I have anything positive / helpful / creative to contribute to the blogging world. I read several blogs, that have purpose, creative, insightful, thought provoking words to share, I on the other hand... I'm just here. I feel as if, I've lost my way, just treading water.
Mid life crisis? Am I too old for that? Too young? What is it anyway? I've been going thru this "Blah phase" for a few years now. I think ever since I rid myself of a four ½ year problem. This problem made me look deep within 'self' and I saw a side of me I never knew was within me, at least not to that degree, at times I scared myself! But I won't go into the long sorted, unbelievable details of that ordeal, as it still affects my family and the way they view me and least of all me.
In the last few years, the things that brought me pleasure, made me happy, motivated me, just don't seem to have the same Umph they use to. Photography, Scrapbooking, Crafting, my Beliefs etc ...
Have you ever just felt useless? Without purpose? Question your existence? Well I think that is where I am at, and have grown stagnate in that vicious circle of questions and feelings. Is this depression? Depression as I've never known it? *SMH
I recently got a job, hoping to find myself after 8 years of being a SAHM. I have had a job for the same man & his son over the past 6 years off and on. It was good for me, as far as getting me out of the house, making me feel useful, having purpose [fixing, setting up, cleaning up his (their) business issues, all on my own terms, the freedom to do as I wished etc etc ]. So I went and got a job as a waitress at a local Truck Stop, just looking for an out, possibly friendship, contact with the 'real world' as I've found myself lost in the world of Internet games, chats etc ... People afar can't hurt me, disappoint me and so on. It's too easy to get lost out there in Internet land, and I think that's what I've done. But now that I re-entered the 'real world' as of 42 days ago, I'm rudely reminded as to why I've found comfort in the Internet vs real people ... People are fake, out for themselves, 2 faced and down right suck! I see and feel all that goes on around me, some days it angers me, others saddens me, basically makes me sick! To see how people treat others, for their own gain, or to make themselves look "good" or maybe make themselves feel better or just for the pure meanness of it. For those of you who know me, and know me well, know how much I despise Lies ... and how for whatever reason I feel the need to bring the truth out or have things seen as they really are. I don't get 'how' people can't see what I see, how they can be blinded or just ignore the injustices around them ... what is it with me? How come I can't just let things be as they are, and wear blinders as the rest of the world does? These are things that plague me .. keep me up at night, drive me to the non-threatening Internet world. Which I know the Internet is not perfect, and people here lie too, but it doesn't affect me the same way ... Can't explain that, so I won't even try .... I know this will sound really odd [maybe not so much if you know me in person] but the place I got a job at, I felt 'drawn' there ever since we relocated to Georgia. I've driven by it many times, it's in route to our house ... So for nearly a year I thought about applying for a job there, and it took me that long to go and do it ... Why am I drawn there? I haven't a clue.
So as I was saying ... I'm in a funk, not sure how to get out, when will it end, will it ever? Is this an age thing? How to take those, what seems like huge steps to getting back to the things that made me happy / content?! Don't get me wrong, I'm 'happy' in the sense of my marriage, my children and my grand-baby ... it is unhappiness within 'self'. Some times I think I'm just weird, off a bit cause I've never heard others talk about thinking things like I do, feeling as I do. I know everyone isn't as verbal as I am ... But feeling alone in my thinking is probably a big issue.
So I guess I should get off here, it's 4 a.m. and try to get some sleep.
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